I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Thursday Thought.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Who called it baking and not making love
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.