“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
You Might Also Like
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’ve had worse
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct