Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.