No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax