Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets