It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You Might Also Like
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?