ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.