Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale