Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.