Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
No, YOUR illiterate.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My time has come.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell