I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Just grow your own
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
What an awful time to have common sense.