I hate my earbuds.
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”