“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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I am having an out of money experience.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Wednesday
Finally! 😈
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.