“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar