“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
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When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
barbara was highly relatable
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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