“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
We decided to have money instead of children.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*