*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
This made me chuckle.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.