Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process