Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.