No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly