why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!