Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon