WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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taking June’s advice to heart
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
We avoided this particular disaster
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The Joker was right
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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Eat…
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”