Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
BaD BoY!!
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…