Truth
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Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset