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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*pokes sex life with a stick
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
mariah carrie
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Breakfast for Stoners:
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.