Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.