And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
when dads have a rap battle
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
i- i did not expect this
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”