Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Breaking news:
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”