FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.