You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
omg leave her alone
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅