FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.