Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My favorite female superhero
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Don’t frighten the programmers!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.