I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.