“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.