I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Huge, if true.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
dads on road-trips be like
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.