Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.