The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Squirrels before girls.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.