me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets