Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Why font matters.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
They’re on their honeymoon
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit