The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!