me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Can’t, holding a grudge
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.