I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ