Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
when someone compliments me
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive