Do not steal food from the science building!
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks