Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
School be like
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.