The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
also my go-to takeaway order
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.