Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Leonardo DiCaprisun