Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon