Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.